Tricking the Mind

Eating healthy is key to good health, that and actually getting of your duff and moving it.  Eating healthy isn't so easy though.   I mean, we live in a world that bigger is better, except when it comes to your waistline.  Eating healthy isn't cheap.  It's no wonder that the poor have the highest obesity rates, they can barely afford to feed themselves, let alone feed themselves with healthy food. 

I'm learning that I need to trick the mind into perceiving that I'm getting more food than I am.  This allows me to stick with the serving size and still not feel hungry when I'm done eating.  This morning for breakfast I had 1 cup of yogurt and 1/2 cup of granola.  That is the serving size.  By eating it in a much smaller bowl (one of the bowls we use for the twins) it looked like it was a huge amount of food and I am now feeling very full. 

This means I will have to start measuring and weighing my food.  First thing that comes to mind is "Well that's a tedious pain in the ass" but I have to acknowledge that being at my current weight and shape is also a tedious pain the ass. 

I'm going to start using one of the kids' plates when I eat.  The plate will fill up faster and my mind will go "Whoa, that's a full plate, we are good!"  At least I'm hoping that it will help.  Serving size and exercise are my biggest hurdles right now.  They seem like the logical place to start.

Wish me luck, I'm going to need it.

I haven't weighed myself since I went to the doctor last, which was a couple of months ago.  I really don't want to step on the scale and see what it says.  I try not to become obsessed with a number, but at some point you need to look at that number just to get a reality check of what is, or isn't, going on. 

The Search for Self Worth

Seems pretty simple right?  You tell yourself "I have worth" and there you go, all done.  
Sadly, it doesn't work quite like that.  There is so much that is carried over from when you are a child, from the relationships you have as an adult.  Jason has a very hard time understanding how it is that I can't see what he sees in me.  
He sees an amazing strong loving independent loyal mother and wife.  I see a fat lazy slob who can't get her act together.  Huge difference, yeah?
So how do I get to believing all that my husband sees.  He's not an idiot, far from it.  He's not blind nor oblivious.  Obviously he sees some pretty great things about me.  Obviously I don't see them.
So now I try to bring myself around to his way of thinking.  To accepting what it is that he sees, what he says, what he feels.  To changing my view of myself.
Shit that's hard.  It's so much easier to just stick with what I know, no matter how negative it is.  It's not easy to keep reminding myself that those people that brought me down, that I allowed to bring me down (at least the ones while I was an adult and had a say in the matter) are full of shit.  That it was easier for them to bring me down than to build themselves up.  
Here's the thing I've learned.  I'd rather be built up.  Life in the negative sucks ass.  It gives me physical pain.  It stresses me out.  It turns me into a person that I don't like being, a mean angry person who yells and screams and hurts those around her.  That person sucks and I refuse to live like that.
For so long, with so many people, they saw the negative, the mean, the angry.  They have a really hard time believing that I can be anything but that person.  That's understandable.  I was that person with them.  They helped keep me that person.  
For the next year I'm going to be working on that self worth.  That positive loving good person that my husband sees in me.  I don't want to be just good enough, I want to be great. After all, everyone needs goals right?  This seems like a pretty good one to me.

I'm pretty sure

That the yoga WILL end up killing me. I've been a slacker and just haven't been doing it lately. I'm always "too tired" or the house is "too messy" or something is just "too....". Yeah, it's been like that. So tonight, for some reason, I decided to get off my very round ass and do the yoga. After all, it's only 20 minutes, right?

Let me tell you, it's a damn good thing I don't take a class! The words that I was using definitely wouldn't be encouraged in a classroom where the focus is deep breathing and inner focus! Ah well, it will get easier, I have to assume it will at least.

My weight is staying steady, which is good because it means I'm not gaining anything. It's bad because it means I'm not losing anything. My clothes are still fitting the same, so it's not like I'm gaining any new muscle.

I realized today that I'm an addict. I was out running errands and picking up things. I realized that while Jason has one addiction, I have another. It's laziness, that simple. I love/want/need convenient foods and to put forth as little physical effort as possible. And it will kill me. Hell, it's slowly doing it already. So now I have to look this in the face, the deep ugly face, and change it. Damn, change is hard. Balls ass hard.

I'm going to take it 2 things at a time. One eating thing and one physical thing each.

The eating step will be to eat more fresh (or frozen fresh) fruits and veggies. Adding them in whenever I can. Having a salad or make some fresh juice. Cutting them up and adding them to what I'm already having.

The physical one will be yoga at least 4 nights a week. It's 20 minutes of exercise 4 times a week. It's not limited to 4 nights, it can be more. It's not specific nights, it can go in any order. It's not a specific set of movements or videos, it can be any that I can find to watch and use. It has to be at least 20 minutes and 4 times a week. I can do it in the afternoon while the kids are gone or napping, so it doesn't even have to be at the end of the day.

With these 2 things done regularly for the next month, I'll see what things have changed. If the yoga becomes easier. If I feel healthier because I'm putting better foods in my body. We'll see how it goes. I have to do something to break this addiction. I've always said that I'm not an addict for anything that would kill me, but this is and it needs to change.

I want to say that I'll blog my progress, how I'm feeling and doing. Keep track to help me stay accountable, even if it is only to myself, but I can't guarantee that will happen. It'd be nice, but we'll see how it goes.

Damn, now I'm hungry. Wonder what's in the house to munch on.

Have a nice weekend everyone who is or isn't reading.

Back to Journaling

I want to get back to doing this. I think it really helps when I do it. I don't know if it'll be daily, but at least a couple of times a week.

I won't be doing any yoga tonight as I had hoped. Unfortunately I was hit with a migraine shortly before Jason left for work. It really sucks when that happens!

I did have a juice as my dinner. While I'm sure the shot (or 2, I didn't measure) of pineapple vodka negated the healthiness of the juice, it certainly helped me relax a little.

I have been doing miserably with eating lately. Too much crap. Jason bought me a juicer and I try to use it at least once a day. It'd be nice to get into the habit of using it twice, but we'll see how it goes. Part of that is the cost of the produce. Food is getting more expensive and for reasons that only the corporate people know of, the crappy food costs less than the good for you stuff. What is that about anyway?

While I am going to continue to weigh myself, I'm going to try to start basing my weight loss more on how my clothes fit. My current goal is go one shirt size down. If I go one shirt size down, it'll be that much easier to find something that fits comfortably. I could wear it now, but it'd be too tight for my personal comfort. I spend all day dealing with different kinds of stress and difficulties, I don't have the tolerance for clothes that aren't comfortable to wear. If it's tight or pulls in a weird way, I'm not wearing it, that simple. It's why I don't wear heals. Makeup just takes too much effort, the same with doing my hair in any way aside from a simple braid or pony tail.

Well that is all for right now. I'm hoping that shortly we'll be able to have the tower fixed so that I can edit all the photos I've taken this summer. It died unexpectedly about 2 weeks ago. I think it's the power source, at least I hope that it is. That's a very easy fix to make.

In A Rut

That seems to be the story of my life as of late. A rut. My weight is the same. Admittedly, I haven't been doing anything to try and change it. I'm stress eating (meaning more sweets, even *gasp* chocolate) but the calories even out through the day because nothing else sounds good. I eat the sweets after the kids go to bed so I don't have to share with the moochers.

I know what I need to do. The question now becomes what am I willing to do? What is it that I actually WANT to do?

Those will be the questions into perpetuity I think.

3 weeks have gone by...

Wow, that's a lot of time. Let me see, I wasn't feeling well, weighed myself at 285, then the following week was AF (aunt flo to all those who don't speak web) and I was 290, and then last week was crazy with Kati here and I was back to about 288-289. It's nice to know that while I retain water with AF, once she's gone (yep, AF is a SHE all the way) the weight goes back to normal.

Haven't had sword practice in 3 weeks either. Cancelled for weather, then Kati was here and were super busy that day (family pics in the am then dinner with my mom that afternoon/evening) and then once again cancel for the rain. I'm hoping that in the next couple of days (probably Wed considering tomorrow is supposed to be mid 40's and rainy) get out and do some staff work. Planning on yoga tonight.

I've also been doing more housework, deep cleaned the office and dining room this weekend. The living room is getting done next. I have more work to do with the office, but it is MUCH better than it was! The kids go to SIL's again on the 15th. Jason and I had planned on taking a couple of days to really clean, I'm hoping that I'll have enough done before then so we don't have to spend both days doing the cleaning.

Trying to remember breakfast, even if it's just grabbing a Slim Fast shortly after I wake up. It seems that my days are more successful when I have something first thing like that. I got into a lazy pattern of doing frozen meals, and I am trying to get back out of that. Home made frozen is OK, store bought not so much. At least I know exactly what I put into the home made ones.

I have some sewing to do. I need to get working on my renn garb. I finally narrowed down my "lineage" so I can go from there.

Been doing all right with the ChaCha. I try to do it at night after the kids go to bed. I'm doing MyLot pretty frequently too. Posting there is like posting on message boards. I am close to "grounding" myself from facebook, it's just so distracting! Damn games! I set goals of work for 15 minutes and then I can facebook for 15 minutes. It works sometimes, which is better than never I guess. Last year with ChaCha I earned less than $50! That is ridiculous. I need to get on the ball with that one.

Will be going shopping on Sunday to stock up again, I'll be making sure to get stuff for more salads. They are really filling and pretty good for me, I'd like to be able to stay in that habit. We are also ordering from Angel Food Ministries to stock our freezer later this month. Affordable, variety, and the quality is pretty damn good. Jason and I said that once we got a new freezer for the basement we'd start doing that again, so I'm going back to doing it this month. Anything to help us stay stocked up AND eating at home as much as possible.

I suppose that is all for now. I'll update with a new weigh in on Thursday. Have a good week everyone.

Once a Week

To my thinking, once a week is better than not at all. Right now, that's my goal, once a week. Pop in with my weight. Think about my eating. Comment on my exercising (or lack thereof) and go on my merry way. It would be nice to say that as I get more into this that I'll post more. I don't know if that will be the case or not. We'll have to wait and see.

Did you know that clothes add 4 pounds? Well, 3.8 to be exact. Wowee! How do I know this? I weighed myself in just my underwear this morning (I know, pretty picture right?) and then I put on my jeans and shirt. It added 3.8 pounds!!

WOOHOO I did it!!! I'm below 290!!!! I'm at 286.2 to be exact! WOOHOO!!!!! My next mini goal is to get below 285. I'm going in 5 pound blocks.

I am definately giving that weight loss success to more conscious eating this past week. I bought fruit and veggie baskets so they are out and easily accessable to everyone. I reorganized the fridge so that my cool veggies can be gotten to very easily, which makes putting together a salad much easier. I'm trying to make sure that I grab a Slim Fast every morning because I know I put off eating until later in the day, which isn't so good for my metabolism.

There hasn't been any true exercise. I have tried to get up and DO more, so that may have helped too. My goal for the next week is to do some real exercise. Of coarse, that's yoga. If I can get a hold of the group leader, that may also include some quarter staff fighting.

I need to find out from him who he has in mind to train me and then I'll try to get a hold of them directly. I am thinking that if nothing else, I'll show up to practice and see where it goes from there. This is something that I want to do, want to follow through with. Next year it'll be something I bring the kids with me to. This year, it's for while the kids are gone (not the practice, but the actual fairs) and so I can build up technique and a wardrobe. It takes a lot to make a wardrobe for all the kids and myself! At least with me making the stuff, I can just take it in as I lose weight, I won't need to buy new stuff.