Tuesday, December 20, 2011

The Search for Self Worth

Seems pretty simple right?  You tell yourself "I have worth" and there you go, all done.  
Sadly, it doesn't work quite like that.  There is so much that is carried over from when you are a child, from the relationships you have as an adult.  Jason has a very hard time understanding how it is that I can't see what he sees in me.  
He sees an amazing strong loving independent loyal mother and wife.  I see a fat lazy slob who can't get her act together.  Huge difference, yeah?
So how do I get to believing all that my husband sees.  He's not an idiot, far from it.  He's not blind nor oblivious.  Obviously he sees some pretty great things about me.  Obviously I don't see them.
So now I try to bring myself around to his way of thinking.  To accepting what it is that he sees, what he says, what he feels.  To changing my view of myself.
Shit that's hard.  It's so much easier to just stick with what I know, no matter how negative it is.  It's not easy to keep reminding myself that those people that brought me down, that I allowed to bring me down (at least the ones while I was an adult and had a say in the matter) are full of shit.  That it was easier for them to bring me down than to build themselves up.  
Here's the thing I've learned.  I'd rather be built up.  Life in the negative sucks ass.  It gives me physical pain.  It stresses me out.  It turns me into a person that I don't like being, a mean angry person who yells and screams and hurts those around her.  That person sucks and I refuse to live like that.
For so long, with so many people, they saw the negative, the mean, the angry.  They have a really hard time believing that I can be anything but that person.  That's understandable.  I was that person with them.  They helped keep me that person.  
For the next year I'm going to be working on that self worth.  That positive loving good person that my husband sees in me.  I don't want to be just good enough, I want to be great. After all, everyone needs goals right?  This seems like a pretty good one to me.