Tuesday, December 20, 2011

The Search for Self Worth

Seems pretty simple right?  You tell yourself "I have worth" and there you go, all done.  
Sadly, it doesn't work quite like that.  There is so much that is carried over from when you are a child, from the relationships you have as an adult.  Jason has a very hard time understanding how it is that I can't see what he sees in me.  
He sees an amazing strong loving independent loyal mother and wife.  I see a fat lazy slob who can't get her act together.  Huge difference, yeah?
So how do I get to believing all that my husband sees.  He's not an idiot, far from it.  He's not blind nor oblivious.  Obviously he sees some pretty great things about me.  Obviously I don't see them.
So now I try to bring myself around to his way of thinking.  To accepting what it is that he sees, what he says, what he feels.  To changing my view of myself.
Shit that's hard.  It's so much easier to just stick with what I know, no matter how negative it is.  It's not easy to keep reminding myself that those people that brought me down, that I allowed to bring me down (at least the ones while I was an adult and had a say in the matter) are full of shit.  That it was easier for them to bring me down than to build themselves up.  
Here's the thing I've learned.  I'd rather be built up.  Life in the negative sucks ass.  It gives me physical pain.  It stresses me out.  It turns me into a person that I don't like being, a mean angry person who yells and screams and hurts those around her.  That person sucks and I refuse to live like that.
For so long, with so many people, they saw the negative, the mean, the angry.  They have a really hard time believing that I can be anything but that person.  That's understandable.  I was that person with them.  They helped keep me that person.  
For the next year I'm going to be working on that self worth.  That positive loving good person that my husband sees in me.  I don't want to be just good enough, I want to be great. After all, everyone needs goals right?  This seems like a pretty good one to me.

Friday, September 16, 2011

I'm pretty sure

That the yoga WILL end up killing me. I've been a slacker and just haven't been doing it lately. I'm always "too tired" or the house is "too messy" or something is just "too....". Yeah, it's been like that. So tonight, for some reason, I decided to get off my very round ass and do the yoga. After all, it's only 20 minutes, right?

Let me tell you, it's a damn good thing I don't take a class! The words that I was using definitely wouldn't be encouraged in a classroom where the focus is deep breathing and inner focus! Ah well, it will get easier, I have to assume it will at least.

My weight is staying steady, which is good because it means I'm not gaining anything. It's bad because it means I'm not losing anything. My clothes are still fitting the same, so it's not like I'm gaining any new muscle.

I realized today that I'm an addict. I was out running errands and picking up things. I realized that while Jason has one addiction, I have another. It's laziness, that simple. I love/want/need convenient foods and to put forth as little physical effort as possible. And it will kill me. Hell, it's slowly doing it already. So now I have to look this in the face, the deep ugly face, and change it. Damn, change is hard. Balls ass hard.

I'm going to take it 2 things at a time. One eating thing and one physical thing each.

The eating step will be to eat more fresh (or frozen fresh) fruits and veggies. Adding them in whenever I can. Having a salad or make some fresh juice. Cutting them up and adding them to what I'm already having.

The physical one will be yoga at least 4 nights a week. It's 20 minutes of exercise 4 times a week. It's not limited to 4 nights, it can be more. It's not specific nights, it can go in any order. It's not a specific set of movements or videos, it can be any that I can find to watch and use. It has to be at least 20 minutes and 4 times a week. I can do it in the afternoon while the kids are gone or napping, so it doesn't even have to be at the end of the day.

With these 2 things done regularly for the next month, I'll see what things have changed. If the yoga becomes easier. If I feel healthier because I'm putting better foods in my body. We'll see how it goes. I have to do something to break this addiction. I've always said that I'm not an addict for anything that would kill me, but this is and it needs to change.

I want to say that I'll blog my progress, how I'm feeling and doing. Keep track to help me stay accountable, even if it is only to myself, but I can't guarantee that will happen. It'd be nice, but we'll see how it goes.

Damn, now I'm hungry. Wonder what's in the house to munch on.

Have a nice weekend everyone who is or isn't reading.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Back to Journaling

I want to get back to doing this. I think it really helps when I do it. I don't know if it'll be daily, but at least a couple of times a week.

I won't be doing any yoga tonight as I had hoped. Unfortunately I was hit with a migraine shortly before Jason left for work. It really sucks when that happens!

I did have a juice as my dinner. While I'm sure the shot (or 2, I didn't measure) of pineapple vodka negated the healthiness of the juice, it certainly helped me relax a little.

I have been doing miserably with eating lately. Too much crap. Jason bought me a juicer and I try to use it at least once a day. It'd be nice to get into the habit of using it twice, but we'll see how it goes. Part of that is the cost of the produce. Food is getting more expensive and for reasons that only the corporate people know of, the crappy food costs less than the good for you stuff. What is that about anyway?

While I am going to continue to weigh myself, I'm going to try to start basing my weight loss more on how my clothes fit. My current goal is go one shirt size down. If I go one shirt size down, it'll be that much easier to find something that fits comfortably. I could wear it now, but it'd be too tight for my personal comfort. I spend all day dealing with different kinds of stress and difficulties, I don't have the tolerance for clothes that aren't comfortable to wear. If it's tight or pulls in a weird way, I'm not wearing it, that simple. It's why I don't wear heals. Makeup just takes too much effort, the same with doing my hair in any way aside from a simple braid or pony tail.

Well that is all for right now. I'm hoping that shortly we'll be able to have the tower fixed so that I can edit all the photos I've taken this summer. It died unexpectedly about 2 weeks ago. I think it's the power source, at least I hope that it is. That's a very easy fix to make.

Monday, June 13, 2011

In A Rut

That seems to be the story of my life as of late. A rut. My weight is the same. Admittedly, I haven't been doing anything to try and change it. I'm stress eating (meaning more sweets, even *gasp* chocolate) but the calories even out through the day because nothing else sounds good. I eat the sweets after the kids go to bed so I don't have to share with the moochers.

I know what I need to do. The question now becomes what am I willing to do? What is it that I actually WANT to do?

Those will be the questions into perpetuity I think.

Monday, April 4, 2011

3 weeks have gone by...

Wow, that's a lot of time. Let me see, I wasn't feeling well, weighed myself at 285, then the following week was AF (aunt flo to all those who don't speak web) and I was 290, and then last week was crazy with Kati here and I was back to about 288-289. It's nice to know that while I retain water with AF, once she's gone (yep, AF is a SHE all the way) the weight goes back to normal.

Haven't had sword practice in 3 weeks either. Cancelled for weather, then Kati was here and were super busy that day (family pics in the am then dinner with my mom that afternoon/evening) and then once again cancel for the rain. I'm hoping that in the next couple of days (probably Wed considering tomorrow is supposed to be mid 40's and rainy) get out and do some staff work. Planning on yoga tonight.

I've also been doing more housework, deep cleaned the office and dining room this weekend. The living room is getting done next. I have more work to do with the office, but it is MUCH better than it was! The kids go to SIL's again on the 15th. Jason and I had planned on taking a couple of days to really clean, I'm hoping that I'll have enough done before then so we don't have to spend both days doing the cleaning.

Trying to remember breakfast, even if it's just grabbing a Slim Fast shortly after I wake up. It seems that my days are more successful when I have something first thing like that. I got into a lazy pattern of doing frozen meals, and I am trying to get back out of that. Home made frozen is OK, store bought not so much. At least I know exactly what I put into the home made ones.

I have some sewing to do. I need to get working on my renn garb. I finally narrowed down my "lineage" so I can go from there.

Been doing all right with the ChaCha. I try to do it at night after the kids go to bed. I'm doing MyLot pretty frequently too. Posting there is like posting on message boards. I am close to "grounding" myself from facebook, it's just so distracting! Damn games! I set goals of work for 15 minutes and then I can facebook for 15 minutes. It works sometimes, which is better than never I guess. Last year with ChaCha I earned less than $50! That is ridiculous. I need to get on the ball with that one.

Will be going shopping on Sunday to stock up again, I'll be making sure to get stuff for more salads. They are really filling and pretty good for me, I'd like to be able to stay in that habit. We are also ordering from Angel Food Ministries to stock our freezer later this month. Affordable, variety, and the quality is pretty damn good. Jason and I said that once we got a new freezer for the basement we'd start doing that again, so I'm going back to doing it this month. Anything to help us stay stocked up AND eating at home as much as possible.

I suppose that is all for now. I'll update with a new weigh in on Thursday. Have a good week everyone.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Once a Week

To my thinking, once a week is better than not at all. Right now, that's my goal, once a week. Pop in with my weight. Think about my eating. Comment on my exercising (or lack thereof) and go on my merry way. It would be nice to say that as I get more into this that I'll post more. I don't know if that will be the case or not. We'll have to wait and see.

Did you know that clothes add 4 pounds? Well, 3.8 to be exact. Wowee! How do I know this? I weighed myself in just my underwear this morning (I know, pretty picture right?) and then I put on my jeans and shirt. It added 3.8 pounds!!

WOOHOO I did it!!! I'm below 290!!!! I'm at 286.2 to be exact! WOOHOO!!!!! My next mini goal is to get below 285. I'm going in 5 pound blocks.

I am definately giving that weight loss success to more conscious eating this past week. I bought fruit and veggie baskets so they are out and easily accessable to everyone. I reorganized the fridge so that my cool veggies can be gotten to very easily, which makes putting together a salad much easier. I'm trying to make sure that I grab a Slim Fast every morning because I know I put off eating until later in the day, which isn't so good for my metabolism.

There hasn't been any true exercise. I have tried to get up and DO more, so that may have helped too. My goal for the next week is to do some real exercise. Of coarse, that's yoga. If I can get a hold of the group leader, that may also include some quarter staff fighting.

I need to find out from him who he has in mind to train me and then I'll try to get a hold of them directly. I am thinking that if nothing else, I'll show up to practice and see where it goes from there. This is something that I want to do, want to follow through with. Next year it'll be something I bring the kids with me to. This year, it's for while the kids are gone (not the practice, but the actual fairs) and so I can build up technique and a wardrobe. It takes a lot to make a wardrobe for all the kids and myself! At least with me making the stuff, I can just take it in as I lose weight, I won't need to buy new stuff.

Thursday, March 3, 2011


Yeah, I know. Wait, I'm NOT a slacker, I'm just doing all the stuff I usually do in a day. I DO need to do this as well. And the exercise part. And eating better.

Lately A Migraine (yes, it deserves the capitalization) has been plaguing my very existence. I want it to not come back. It's Recurring. Every evening about the time Izzy gets off the bus. I take Excedrin to try to ward it off, drink a soda (because of the caffine). Unfortunately, no such luck.

Prescription meds have a 2 fold negative. Firstly, they are very expensive and I have to pay for all of my meds out of pocket. Second, they have side effects that aren't worth the relief to me. The biggest one being the sleepiness, the inability to stay awake. Quickly followed by nausea, which I've already got. UGH. Michigan recently passed a medical marijuana law. I am going to talk to my doc, when I see her in a couple of weeks, about that possibility. I know I can't keep going on like this.

Because of being in miserable pain, I have been unable to cook as I should be. Sadly, so much produce has gone to waste because I haven't used it. Ordering in pizza has become a norm. And TV dinners. Reverting back to bad bad unhealthy ways. It took me so long to get things going good, and they were getting better. Here I am stuck back at the beginning. So after this, no more. That means for Jason too. He'll grump and moan, and then I'll tell him what to make and we'll go from there. I may have to get more tolerant of him cooking eggs, but whatever needs to be done to get the crap out of the house.

I weighed myself this morning and I was 290 even. It was nice to see that while I'm not doing anything to promote my healthiness my body isn't retaliating by gaining 10 pounds. Now to get that number below that mark and KEEP it there. It's my first mini goal and I'm almost there! Eventually I'd like to see that first number be a 1. I'm thinking maybe in a year or two.

So here it goes for today.

1 slim fast can
1 bottle of water

Saturday, February 12, 2011


Started the day out with a Slim Fast while I was at Jayda's tutoring. That was about 10:30.

Lunch was Arby's. I had the Rueben combo. I had the medium size, but that was to get the bigger drink more than the fries. Cup of cheddar for the fries that I shared with Jayda. I had unsweetened tea to drink. That was about 1.

Dinner was Papa John's Thin Crust BBQ Chicken Bacon Pizza. The thin crust sucks. I had 3 slices. That was at about 7:45.

I'm hungry right now, and it's about 12:20, so I'm going to have a Slim Fast before I hop into the shower.

Let's see if I can start getting a few snacks in there during the day, to help keep everything on an even keel. I was really feeling hungry when I had lunch and then again when I finally had dinner. No organized exercise today. I spent most of my day up and moving around.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Starting Fresh

I know it's Thursday and not Monday. Honestly, Thursday is my slow morning around here so probably the best one to start out with a weigh in. So let's pretend it's Monday and go from there, shall we?

Weight was 291.4. I'm glad to see it not much closer to that dreaded 300 mark, but it is definately not where I want it to be. My long term goal is to get about 100 of that to disappear. Honestly, I'd be happy to get it so that first number is a 1. I know that I will always be curvy and soft and round. I know I'll always shop at Lane Bryant to find good fitting pants and bras and panties. I'll never be seen as the "ideal". I'm ok with all of that. This isn't a journey just of weight loss. It's a journey of self acceptance too. Stoking my own ego, improving my self perception, allowing how I feel to show through in how I look. Thankfully, Jason is on board. Those things are hard to accomplish when your loved one doesn't want change of any kind.

My food for the day goes as follows (I'll update through the day)

Breakfast at 9:30 - 2 english muffins with 2 tbsp (the serving size) of honey nut cream cheese between them
Lunch was at 3:30. big salad and a Little Debbie Valentine's snack cake. I need to get better at eating more through the day. I know that will help how I feel over all.
dinner was at 8. Baked Spaghetti and 2 pieces of whole wheat garlic toast.
snack of ice cream cone
middle of the night I had a slim fast shake

Over all the day wasn't too bad food wise. Water was 3-4 16.9 oz bottles. 1 can of Cherry 7 Up.

You'll often see my day start with a Slim Fast shake. While I appreciate that they are meant to be a diet tool in the extreme sense (the Slim Fast diet is only 1000 calories a day, that's ridiculously too few), I use it as a meal replacement for when I'm on the go. It's very convenient to grab a can, a bottle of water, and the book I'm reading while I go to whatever appointment is scheduled for that morning.

You'll also see the Special K snack bars quite a bit. I like them. I like the fact that I can get flavors that aren't chocolate. They are easy to grab when I'm feeling a bit hungry.

I'm trying to add more fruits and veggies. I'm hoping a regular thing will be a big salad for lunch. My salads consist of cucumber, spinach, lettuce, green pepper, shredded carrot, mushroom, grape tomatoes, grilled chicken, blue cheese dressing, and a small handful of croutons. The dressing isn't low fat. You won't find me eating most low fat foods. I feel that full fat is better for you than a bunch of chemicals and added salt/sugar.

My exercise for today consists of:
yoga 20 minutes

I'm hoping that as time goes on, that increases in time, but also variety. I have some aerobic options available, pilates, and I want to get the Just Dance for the wii.

While I will be mindful of how much I'm eating, I am not going to focus on specific calorie count. That is very hard to do especially considering most of my food is home made from a variety of ingredients.

The twins alphabet video is over and amazingly my floor isn't TOO taken over with toys, so I'm off to yoga. Prayers and blessings and have a great day everyone.

Sunday, February 6, 2011


Did you know that being sick doesn't work too well with trying to do things healthy? It's true! This past week, between the sickness (everyone but Izzy and Jack got it) and the snow (TWO snow days in a row, that never happens around here! *because we're so used to it, not because we never get snow*) my whole week was thrown out of whack. So tomorrow I'll start fresh. I'll go looking for the before pictures. Do the whole scale thing. All of it. I promise. I need to do this. For myself. For my kids. For my husband.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Food Journal and Exercise Too.

Starting this next week I'm going to use this blog to keep track of food and exercise. I've read that it can help maintain the focus for weight loss and a healthier life style.

I've started drinking Slim Fast pretty regularly. It really isn't the Slim Fast diet, which is only 1000 calories a day (that's ridiculously low!). I use it as a supplement. I've noticed that I don't eat as often as I should through the day. It gets to be too much sometimes to worry about making something to eat along with everything else going on.

I got rid of easy prep foods last year at the New Year. Jason wasn't pleased. It took some time to get used to for both of us.

There are days when I get out of bed, get dressed and head out the door. Those days are pretty frequent actually. I wouldn't grab anything to eat, just a bottle of water that I may or may not drink. The Slim Fast is easy to grab (I'm using the cans, I get a big 30 pack of them at Sam's) and I can drink it while I'm waiting.

I am also eating a lot of the Special K snack bars. I like them. I found some that aren't chocolate, which was a task to do. They are good for a quick snack, especially when I know I should eat, but I just don't feel like it.

I'll weigh myself on Monday and use that as my start. I don't know how often I'll check it.

I was thinking today that I love to be comfortable. However, I'm very unlikely to change if I'm always comfortable, so maybe a little discomfort is the way to go. Especially in my clothing choices. I have plenty of clothes. I have gotten very lax in how I dress, preferring to always be in very loose yoga pants and t-shirts. My favorite bras are the ones where the wires have come out. I think comfort has transitioned into lazy. If a shirt is even a little bit snug I toss it for one that isn't. It limits what I am willing to wear.

I want to eat more veggies and fruits. I need to get them into my daily diet. I'm hoping by keeping track of what I'm eating every day I can see places to fit them in.

Exercise right now is yoga, 20 minutes of it, once in a blue moon. I want to change that to 3-4 times a week. And not just yoga, but I'll work my way to that. I need to be moving more. I think yoga with it's emphasis on stretching and strengthening will be a good foundation to work from.

I don't have a definite end number in mind. I feel that I'll know when I get there. I do know it's somewhere in the 100 pounds to lose range. Maybe a little more, maybe a little less. I know I want my weight to start with a 1.

I've heard that a person should make small goals and when they reach them, get a treat or reward of some kind. I have no idea what a good reward would be, let alone a good small goal. Do I set it on a time limit? Or just an amount lost? What if I'm exercising and doing the right stuff and I'm not losing but my clothes are fitting better? How does that fit in?

I know I can't judge this entire journey by a number on the scale. It has to be more than that. It has to be about how I'm feeling about myself, my confidence, my sense of self worth, my sexiness. Yes, I consider my sexiness a factor. The number going down on the scale is only a part of it. My ultimate goal is all around healthiness, not skinniness.

I'll post starting pictures on Monday. They were taken a little while ago, but I look the same, I weigh the same, so they'll work. I'm thinking every 3 months posting new ones. Hopefully there will be a progressive difference.