Sunday, September 12, 2010

Monday Is Weigh In

So I'm getting back on the ball. It's part of this whole organization thing I'm doing. I can't expect change to just happen. I need to do it myself. I'm looking at my life and pointing at things that need change in some way and just doing it. I don't like doing it. I'm not enjoying doing it. But I am doing it. Maybe it will become habit. Maybe it won't. Jason supports the change so it's all good as far as I can tell.

I shoved myself through 18 of 20 minutes of a yoga workout tonight. I really do need some more stretching. And my fat gets in the way. That's rather humbling.

I've been working on a book with my therapist about adults that were abused as children. She is having me read it and then journal how I'm feeling about what it is saying. It's a crappy exercise that I hate. It's eye opening as well.

I kind of feel like things are finally coming together, making more sense, working themselves out. Financially we are still in a shitty place, but that isn't going to change in the immediate future. We have things that we are doing to help change it, but they aren't overnight fixes. Eventually, one day, I'll be able to go back to work. That will help us when we are old and our children are grown and gone. For the moment, we'll make things work now.

My ex is a moron. I need to figure out how to accept that. I know he wouldn't appreciate me laughing at him, but I think I need to start doing that more and stat allowing him to upset me less. He's not worth the energy or the time.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Diet and Book Vent

I got the Syndrome X book today. It makes some valid points, but it is seriously DULL reading. I skipped ahead to the recipe and diet part. The book advocates a basically Atkin's almost all protein little to no carb diet. I have a problem with this.

My problem, to start off with, is two-fold. The first is that any diet that is built on the extreme removal of one kind of food is a failure. Many people, me being one of them, can't live with that much restriction on them. It's not like I'm allergic to peanuts and I have to remove them all or I'll die. In many instances, there is a middle ground, it's just a matter of finding it. The 2nd is that when anyone goes off of one of these extreme diets, they gain all the weight back. Well that is a problem simply because it goes back to the first point. I might get a bit healthier while on the extreme diet, but as soon as I were to deviate from it, I'd start gaining weight again. What the hell??

I have been trying very hard to eat more protein. I've also been trying to reduce the amount of simple carbs I eat. Having more fresh produce with meals too. Eating even more home made foods. Eating less when I eat. Eating more frequently so that I don't overeat when I eat. Exercising a lot more. Not sitting in front of the computer all day. Actually going out of the house, even with all of the kids, and walking around and doing things. These are all very good habits to have I think.

The book doesn't like medical interventions as treatment. It wants me to take a lot of "nutritional" supplements, which may or may not really make a difference. The book's authors states that it worked for them. Call me a cynic, but I don't have any reason to actually believe that statement.

I was hoping this book would have more in the recipe dept and less on the extreme diet end. I was hoping for detailed lists of lower carb veggies AND fruits. Better cuts of meat choices. Allowable carb lists, like what grain for breads and pastas and the like. Unfortunately, this book does not meet those expectations and I'm upset that I wasted a credit from PaperBackSwap for it. I would have checked it out of the library but it was unavailable.

So now I'm feeling like I'm still not doing things righ. I'm not going to the extreme, and I refuse to go there. Does that mean that I'm going to be stuck as a fat person? Sometimes, I am surprised by my fat. I feel like a thin person on the inside. Then I look in the mirror and it's one of those "Oh yeah" kind of moments.

Am I expecting miracles? Well, no. I know better. I know the best way to lose weight and keep it off is gradually. I know the best way to make diet changes is to find the middle ground. I know that in order for the weight loss to happen and for the diet changes to make a real difference I need to exercise regularly. While I know all of these things, that doesn't change how I feel.

I want to feel beautiful and sexy for my husband. I don't. I ask myself all the time (and him too) how he can find a fat blob like me attractive. I hate the attitude I have for myself. I know it surrounds everything I do. I know it affects my thoughts about my daughters. I don't want them to have that. I don't want them to have unhealthy thoughts about themselves and their food and their relationships because of an insecurity that I gave to them.

I know that changes like this are hard. I've always said that if it's easy, then odds are it's really not worth it.

I think that is the end of my rant. Tomorrow will hold a recipe or some other kind of post. My goal for May is to post 4-5 times a week on this and my other blog. We'll see how that goes.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Went Back to the Doc Last Week

I was told that I have Insulin Resistance. I had no idea what that meant. I knew it was along the lines of diabetes, but it wasn't diabetes, at least not yet. I was told to add more exercise, change my diet, and to start taking Metformin. Okey dokey. After sitting around for a week (well not literally) trying to figure out what it is, I asked a mom on a message board that I belong to that is a doctor. She really helped me understand it.

The basics of it is this; Insulin is like an escort to the glucose in your body. Glucose is too big to go through barriers in cells to be used for fuel so it needs an escort. Insulin resistence means that my body doesn't recognize the insulin that I have so the glucose isn't being used correctly. Because of this, my body makes more glucose to compensate. Without the glucose, the cells die and don't make energy which leads to me feeling run down, have horrible mood changes, and slowly and steadily gaining weight. I didn't have my cholesterol checked, and odds seem that it would probably be high. If that were the case, I would have Metabolic Disease (also known as Syndrome X). The metformin turns off some of the glucose making so that my body has to use what is there.

What is going on is like a vicious little circle. Being overweight increases the insulin resistence and the high cholesterol. Because of the insulin resistance, I keep gaining weight. The hope is that with diet changes, exercise, and the medication that I'll start to lose weight and break the cycle.

Does that make sense to you? It does to me, at least now. I have a book coming that focuses on the diet aspect of IR. I'm hoping that I will find it helpful. It has nutrtion info and some recipes. I'll be looking for more recipes as well. I know I need to add more fruits and veggies in my diet, I just need to figure out which ones are more insulin friendly.

Last week I took the kids out to the nature trails twice and we did a 3 mile walk. We took a seat out of the middle of the van and brought the wagon for Izzy and the twins went in the stroller. I bought some new walking shoes and I'm hoping that when we go out again this week they will give more support than my other shoes. I want to do the wii Active 2-3 times this week after the kids go to bed on nights that Jason works. I would really love to get to the gym 2-3 times this week as well. Just so I can do the 1 hour cardio/weight circuit.

I am glad to have an answer about all of this. It certainly does explain that moodiness that has really been bothering me more and more lately. I'm finding that I have more energy as well, at least when I eat better. Now I need to figure out the eating part. And make sure I follow through with the exercise part. Change is hard, but I know that these new habits will be so worth it. I'm tired of feeling like a skinny girl caught in a fat girl's body. It always shocks me when I look in the mirror simply because I don't recognize the fat person looking back at me. I know that I will never be super model thing. Aside from the fact that I have given birth to 7 children, am in my 30's, and only barely 5'6" tall, I am broad shouldered and wide hipped. I'm OK with that. I would like to look sleeker, curvy in a good much firmer way.

I can say that this past week I've noticed that when I don't eat so well, when I overload on carbs, I feel like crap. I need to find the happy medium and don't go to the all protien extreme. I found out that just when walking with the kids I get a low blood sugar feeling if I haven't had enough to eat of the right things.

I know the diet changes won't sit well with Jason. He understands that it is what is better for me, however it will mean changes for him too. I won't cook seperate meals for everyone. What is for dinner is what is for dinner, that simple. I will change how I serve myself that food, but it will all be what is OK for me to eat, which will be healthy for the rest of the family too. The other morning Jason was frustrated because there wasn't anything that he could just pop in the microwave and eat. Our cupboards, fridge and freezer are packed with food but he doesn't know how to cook any of it, so to him there was nothing to eat. When I did make something, he didn't really care for it because it was too different for him.

I love him. Sometimes I think he is so stuck in his habits that he reacts to change like a little kid when you take away their favorite toy. He'll come around and do it this way, but it won't be without complaint, that I know. As it is, I am going to have to schedule an "appointment" for me to go to the gym so that he will stay awake so that I can go. He knows it's what I need, but again it's that change aspect. I know it's what I need and I'm having a hard time adapting to it, I can only imagine what it feels like for him.

Once I have the book, I am going to start the food journal thing again. I want to get a food scale so I can see how much I am eating.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Looking Over the Food Journal

I need to eat more fruits and veggies. Tomorrow I'm hoping to do some grocery shopping, or Sunday at the latest. I need to start adding 2 or 3 servings of fruit and veggies in each day. I know that potatoes don't count as a veggie. I wonder though, do sweet potatoes? I'll need to ask.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Thursday Food

9:30 AM Salt and Pepper chips and dip, handful of chips, less than 2 tbsp dip (serving size)
12:30 PM 1/2 banana
1:30 PM Ham sandwich on buttermilk bread with home made butter and brown mustard for taste
4 PM 7 Cheddar Pretzel Combos, they were Izzy's and I was trying to give them to him and he fed them to me instead
8 PM Cheeseburger with 2 slices CoJack cheese on buttered (butter was home made) English muffin with a little brown mustard for tasted with baked potato wedges and sour cream (less than 2 tbsp)

6 16.9 oz bottles of water

Woke up about 8:30-9 and went to bed at 1 AM.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Wednesday Food

10 AM Blueberry bagel with cream cheese and banana
1 PM 2 left over chicken strips (home made)
6 PM 2 handfuls Salt and Pepper Kettle chips with Dean's French Onion Dip for taste
7:30 PM Baked ham sandwich made with home made buttermilk bread, home made butter, and spicy mustard
10 PM Baked ham sandwich same as above
11:30 PM small handful Kettle Corn Popcorn and Banana

7 16.9 oz bottles of water through the day

The home made bread is dense, yet has air bubbles and is about the size of a hand from palm to finger tip in length and from pinky to thumb in width. The butter was put on the bread first as flavor, then the mustard, then the ham.

The serving size of the chip dip is 2 tbsp and I didn't go over that, if anything I used less than that.

The handful of popcorn was put in to a bowl and I didn't eat all of it. I kept getting the kernals stuck in my teeth and that frustrated me. I also got one caught in the back of my throat.

Tuesday Food

Let me just start out by saying that doing this each night is annoying as all get out. Anyway.

11 AM Small bowl of leftover pasta bake and 2 pieces of cheesy garlic bread
3:30 PM Medium fry, double cheeseburger, 12 oz vanilla shake (or maybe it was 10? I know Mickey D's recently cut their shake size down)
8 PM Tempura battered chicken strip
9 PM 4 Tempura battered chicken strips, small handful sweet potato wedges with a little sour cream for texture/flavor

5 16.9 oz bottles of water through the day

I'm wondering if I should include the recipes for the food? The Mickey D's was because I met someone from out of town there. I want to add that I drink NO soda. I gave it up mid-January of this year when I got my tongue pierced. Shortly after that I stopped breast feeding the twins. I also started exercising regularly, I joined a gym even. On average I was going 2-3 times a week for an hour each time. I was also cutting down on my portion sizes, as well as increasing the amount of protien I ate and reducing the carbs. I gained over 10 pounds and put on a couple of inches around the waist. This seems counter intuitive to me.

We hardly eat out anymore. It's too cost prohibitive. It's cheaper for us to eat at home, it's also healthier. We don't eat canned fruits. We don't eat canned veggies. Almost all of our fruit is fresh. More and more of our veggies are fresh. If they aren't fresh, they are frozen. A lot of the meals I make are made from scratch. We are planting an extensive veggie garden this year. I plan on making my own pasta sauce, hopefully enough to get us through until next year. I am going to learn the art of canning in the late summer/early fall.

During all of these health improvements, I keep feeling more run down. My hands now are constantly red and very very dry from washing dishes. I started breaking out in hives from our dish soap, so I had to switch to a hypoallergenic one. I'm getting migraines 2-3 times a week. Before I would only get them when it was super hot (85 or higher) and a very high humidity. My joints, especially my knees, fingers, and wrists hurt. My feet and hands are slightly swollen. I have dry skin even though all I drink is water. On occasion I'll have a cup of unsweetened ice tea with a little lemon in it. I want to know why I feel like crap even though I'm doing things right?

Wednesday Edit: I didn't eat the cheeseburger from the McDonald's meal. I found it stashed in the diaper bag today and Katy ate it.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Monday's Food

1 PM 2 unheated hot dogs
1:30 PM 1 bowl Velveeta multi grain rotini mac n cheese with sliced hot dogs
8 PM 3 slices cheesy garlic bread (1 before, 2 with dinner)
1 bowl pasta bake

Throughout the day 5 16.9 oz bottles of water

It certainly doesn't seem like a lot, does it? I got the beginnings of a migraine shortly after dinner tonight. I was able to hold off the major bury my head in the sand cut it off already headache with Excedrin (generic) and Tylenol Severe Sinus (generic). I still have the ache in my head and eyes, but it's much more tolerable. Note to self, taking a daytime sinus med within 4 hours of bedtime isn't the greatest idea in the world, however it DID help with the pain so it seems the delayed bedtime is worth it. This post is dated for Monday, however it's actually almost 2:30 on Tuesday morning. Let's see if I can do better with getting that breakfast in there. Or at least a meal that would be during "breakfast time".

Food Journal

My doc wants me to keep a food journal for the week before I go in for my follow up appointment. She tested me for diabetes and thyroid. So there will be a lot of editing of posts as I keep track of what I eat each day for the next week. I don't want to make a bunch of individual posts for each time.

It's almost 1 in the afternoon and I still haven't eaten breakfast, or a meal that would be considered breakfast. I got up at about 9, layed about until 9:30. When Jason works I have been getting up earlier than that. I was feeling hungry at around 10:30 or 11 however I just didn't get to it. One thing (well more like person) or another needed my attention. I think I'll go figure out something to eat. I'd like a chicken quesedilla, but sadly we are out of sour cream.

I'm making butter right now so I can have fresh butter when I make buttermilk bread later today. I'm going to try it out with my mixer and see how it goes. Jenn told me that I should be able to do everything in the mixer, which is nice because I always end up over kneading the bread and adding too much flour because I don't like the stickiness. I wanted a nice soft doughy bread for the ham mom sent home yesterday.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Back on the Horse.

That horse sure sucks, let me tell you. I exercised twice this past week. The first time was with the wii and it kicked my ass! I was swearing at it while the "coach" was telling me I was going to slow. There was NO WAY I was able to speed it up! UGH! Then it got stuck while I was trying to do the bicep curls. So all that exercise didn't count toward my goals one bit!

The 2nd time I went to the gym. I walked on the treadmill. I had put in for an hour. At 40 minutes I was TOAST. It was a 2 1/2 mile pace. When I looked at the display, it told me I was very close to 500 calories burned and 2 miles walked. So I kept going until I hit that 500 calories, which was just 10 minutes later.

My eating has gone downhill this week. Thursday was a WEIRD day for me. I woke up at about 10:30 in the morning and I finally went to bed on Friday night (technically Saturday morning) at 1:30. Geez louise! I really hope that my insomnia isn't making a comeback! That totally threw me off and I'm still recouping the loss.

Tomorrow we are taking the kids to the Meijer gardens for a homeschool outing. Katie will be joining us with her 2 boys. I figure I can get a decent amount of walking in while we are there. Jason has tomorrow evening off, which is always nice. Tuesday Jayden has her testing, and Wed James has an eye appt. I think I'll be able to fit the gym in on Wed afternoon, which is another day that Jason has off, at least I'm hoping that I will. I'm going to keep focusing on the walking on the treadmill for right now. When the numbers on the scale really start to go down and stay that way, I'll add the weights back in.

I'm going to try to log my food daily. And what was going on at the time that I ate. I have a feeling I eat a lot when I'm bored, which totally explains where Izzy gets that from.

I haven't been doing so great with the housekeeping or the crafting. I am just feeling wrung out by the end of the day and I have no motivation to do it. I need to get on top of that.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Journey of...

I'm not really sure honestly. Jason said self-exploration. I guess that would be right. Teaching myself to be accountable. Maybe. I'm kind of confused on it. It just seemed like a good idea, the "right" idea, to have this blog and focus it on me. I guess we'll see how it goes.

To start off with, I'm trying to be healthier. A healthier weight. Better eating habits. Consistent exercise. It's a good place to start I think.

Then there's the whole outlook on life thing. I often wonder if a person can be depressed and feel content at the same time. How I can be so angry and bothered by so much while at the same time I'm feeling content and happy. It really has me confused. I'd like to figure out what is going on with that.

I'll be weighing myself on Mondays. I know a lot of people would look at that in shock, after all the potential for a big gain on Monday after a weekend of relaxing is there for most people. My weekends aren't much different than my weekdays. The kids often have school still on Saturday or Sunday because we homeschool and the kids will often take a day in the middle of the week to screw around or focus on something else, like getting their chores done. Jason works most weekends because of his job. I think a weigh in is a great way to start a week off.

I'll post my goals for my weight loss. What I want my exercise goals to be. How I'm eating. I'm going to try to post daily what I've eaten. I want to try to be more accountable that way so I know how I can make changes, see the areas I need to improve. Right now, I'm trying to have more protien and fewer carbs in my daily diet. I'm using smaller plates and eating smaller portions. Because I eat a lot of home made meals, I won't be doing any strict calorie counting.

I want to document my progress on my craft projects. I have materials for all kinds of projects that never get done. Things that could be gifts. Things that we could use ourselves. Things that would be nice touches to our home. I want to use a majority of the materials with what I already have. If I need something more to complete it then that is fine. However the project needs to use predominantly what is already here in this house.

Cleaning and organizing are on the list. Honestly, I'm lazy. I hate to clean. I'm anal in my organizing. Because I'm anal, I don't start because I hate to stop part of the way through. I end up making a bigger mess while trying to organize than there was to begin with. I need to teach myself to take smaller steps. That even a little bit done is much better than doing nothing. That goes with the crafting as well.

I need to keep my goals realistic and attainable and then do the follow through. That means actually doing instead of just hoping it will happen. I won't be surprised if I end up bitching a lot about it all. It will suck. I know that at the end of it, once the goal is attained, it will be worth it, but I'm lazy and the effort will suck.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Day 2 of More Protien and Fewer Carbs.

UGH. Last night I wanted a snack. We'd had dinner already but I knew I was hungry. Water wasn't making it go away. What I REALLY wanted was an ice cream sandwich. I had shrimp with a little cocktail sauce. It got rid of the hunger. I didn't end up eating the ice cream. Yesterday for breakfast I had lowfat vanilla yogurt and granola (with almonds in it). For a snack I had a handful of green grapes. For lunch I had a baked chicken (pre packaged grilled chicken strips. When the kitchen is more put together, I'll make up a batch of my own to keep in the fridge) and cheese quesedilla on a taco size tortilla. With WIC we can get whole grain tortilla shells, so I'm going to try to figure out what ones we can get and pick some of those up. For dinner I made Arizona Pork Stew. It's cut up pork loin and fresh mushrooms cooked in a bit of EVOO. Add a jar of chunky salsa (when my garden comes in this summer, I'm going to can my own salsa) and a can of mild enchilada sauce. Serve over rice and add a little shredded cheese on top.

So I'm wondering, should I have more dairy in my diet? Like drinking a small cup of skim milk once a day or something like that? I don't often eat cereal. The only dairy I'm getting each day is whatever cheese that I eat.

My goal for next week is some form of "organized" exercise every day (starting on Monday). My plan is to go to the gym on Mon, Wed, & Fri. The other days I am planning on using the wii Active. I'm going to weigh myself on Monday and then not step on the scale again until the following Monday. I had read an article that people are more likely to lose weight if they weigh themselves every day. Do you think that is true?