Monday Is Weigh In

So I'm getting back on the ball. It's part of this whole organization thing I'm doing. I can't expect change to just happen. I need to do it myself. I'm looking at my life and pointing at things that need change in some way and just doing it. I don't like doing it. I'm not enjoying doing it. But I am doing it. Maybe it will become habit. Maybe it won't. Jason supports the change so it's all good as far as I can tell.

I shoved myself through 18 of 20 minutes of a yoga workout tonight. I really do need some more stretching. And my fat gets in the way. That's rather humbling.

I've been working on a book with my therapist about adults that were abused as children. She is having me read it and then journal how I'm feeling about what it is saying. It's a crappy exercise that I hate. It's eye opening as well.

I kind of feel like things are finally coming together, making more sense, working themselves out. Financially we are still in a shitty place, but that isn't going to change in the immediate future. We have things that we are doing to help change it, but they aren't overnight fixes. Eventually, one day, I'll be able to go back to work. That will help us when we are old and our children are grown and gone. For the moment, we'll make things work now.

My ex is a moron. I need to figure out how to accept that. I know he wouldn't appreciate me laughing at him, but I think I need to start doing that more and stat allowing him to upset me less. He's not worth the energy or the time.

Went Back to the Doc Last Week

I was told that I have Insulin Resistance. I had no idea what that meant. I knew it was along the lines of diabetes, but it wasn't diabetes, at least not yet. I was told to add more exercise, change my diet, and to start taking Metformin. Okey dokey. After sitting around for a week (well not literally) trying to figure out what it is, I asked a mom on a message board that I belong to that is a doctor. She really helped me understand it.

The basics of it is this; Insulin is like an escort to the glucose in your body. Glucose is too big to go through barriers in cells to be used for fuel so it needs an escort. Insulin resistence means that my body doesn't recognize the insulin that I have so the glucose isn't being used correctly. Because of this, my body makes more glucose to compensate. Without the glucose, the cells die and don't make energy which leads to me feeling run down, have horrible mood changes, and slowly and steadily gaining weight. I didn't have my cholesterol checked, and odds seem that it would probably be high. If that were the case, I would have Metabolic Disease (also known as Syndrome X). The metformin turns off some of the glucose making so that my body has to use what is there.

What is going on is like a vicious little circle. Being overweight increases the insulin resistence and the high cholesterol. Because of the insulin resistance, I keep gaining weight. The hope is that with diet changes, exercise, and the medication that I'll start to lose weight and break the cycle.

Does that make sense to you? It does to me, at least now. I have a book coming that focuses on the diet aspect of IR. I'm hoping that I will find it helpful. It has nutrtion info and some recipes. I'll be looking for more recipes as well. I know I need to add more fruits and veggies in my diet, I just need to figure out which ones are more insulin friendly.

Last week I took the kids out to the nature trails twice and we did a 3 mile walk. We took a seat out of the middle of the van and brought the wagon for Izzy and the twins went in the stroller. I bought some new walking shoes and I'm hoping that when we go out again this week they will give more support than my other shoes. I want to do the wii Active 2-3 times this week after the kids go to bed on nights that Jason works. I would really love to get to the gym 2-3 times this week as well. Just so I can do the 1 hour cardio/weight circuit.

I am glad to have an answer about all of this. It certainly does explain that moodiness that has really been bothering me more and more lately. I'm finding that I have more energy as well, at least when I eat better. Now I need to figure out the eating part. And make sure I follow through with the exercise part. Change is hard, but I know that these new habits will be so worth it. I'm tired of feeling like a skinny girl caught in a fat girl's body. It always shocks me when I look in the mirror simply because I don't recognize the fat person looking back at me. I know that I will never be super model thing. Aside from the fact that I have given birth to 7 children, am in my 30's, and only barely 5'6" tall, I am broad shouldered and wide hipped. I'm OK with that. I would like to look sleeker, curvy in a good much firmer way.

I can say that this past week I've noticed that when I don't eat so well, when I overload on carbs, I feel like crap. I need to find the happy medium and don't go to the all protien extreme. I found out that just when walking with the kids I get a low blood sugar feeling if I haven't had enough to eat of the right things.

I know the diet changes won't sit well with Jason. He understands that it is what is better for me, however it will mean changes for him too. I won't cook seperate meals for everyone. What is for dinner is what is for dinner, that simple. I will change how I serve myself that food, but it will all be what is OK for me to eat, which will be healthy for the rest of the family too. The other morning Jason was frustrated because there wasn't anything that he could just pop in the microwave and eat. Our cupboards, fridge and freezer are packed with food but he doesn't know how to cook any of it, so to him there was nothing to eat. When I did make something, he didn't really care for it because it was too different for him.

I love him. Sometimes I think he is so stuck in his habits that he reacts to change like a little kid when you take away their favorite toy. He'll come around and do it this way, but it won't be without complaint, that I know. As it is, I am going to have to schedule an "appointment" for me to go to the gym so that he will stay awake so that I can go. He knows it's what I need, but again it's that change aspect. I know it's what I need and I'm having a hard time adapting to it, I can only imagine what it feels like for him.

Once I have the book, I am going to start the food journal thing again. I want to get a food scale so I can see how much I am eating.